[29 Sep 2003|09:23pm] new journal HTTP://WWW.GREATESTJOURNAL.COM/~MISSXKITTEN everyone should go there and create a journal and be my friend. cuz you dont need a code. yay! 1 comment|show me that you love me

[26 Sep 2003|05:39pm] why is she so mean to me? i need to throw up. please break me. show me that you love me

oh goodness-i dont care [26 Sep 2003|02:05pm] [ mood | indifferent ] I um... Well let me start with saying that Mary Maile is mad at me. She thinks I am mad at Allison because she didn't work last night. I was not mad. Just confused. I had to close and while she is right that means more hours, it was a busy night and I was the only hostess and felt a little bit screwed over. Maybe I shouldn't have felt that way, but I did. So then I was short with Mary, not all sugar-y like I am usually."OH WELL" is what I have to say, too bad, I am not gonna fake happiness, I don't enjoy that like you do, Mary. I love you. Our friendship means a LOT. I am glad you consider me one of your best friends. But I am sorry that you know nothing about how I feel. I am sorry that you mistook my short-ness with mean-ness. Don't get hurt just because I want to deal with my own feelings today. I need to care about myself sometimes too. I haven't talked to Allison since she left yesterday. So I don't know whether we are still planning on what we had planned on a couple days ago. If not... All I really wanna do is sit on my couch and fall asleep watching movies. I want a mocha smoothie. I don't feel well at all. Goodbye. .x. 1 comment|show me that you love me

tired of this, tired of you [26 Sep 2003|01:09am] [ mood | indescribable ] I'm sick of people pretending to fucking care. If you don't like me you... don't be my "friend". I am sick of people and sick of life in general. I'm sick of people just thinking I am happy because I smile alot or giggle ALOT. I am not okay. I don't know what I feel but it is sure as hell not normal. I am not normal and content with most aspects of my life. I am getting to the point where I do not care about friends anymore. I don't want the hassle. I don't like putting up with people's bullshit. At all. I don't have a future. Atleast not one anyone would want. I don't know why I try and make people happy when no one ever helps or cares in return. FUCK all of this FAKE feeling that everyone is having lately. Scream at me and make my ears bleed. I yearn to be yelled at. Pressure me and make me hate you. Please. I want you to tear me apart with your words. I'm breakable. I've been faking just like everyone else for so long. I want someone to stab me to death. I'm falling to pieces and none of this makes any sense at all. I don't even understand myself. I don't know why I expect other people to. Maybe I am really, truly messed up and need to be on medicine. Maybe I am too much like my mother. Maybe no one will ever really LOVE me and be IN LOVE with me forever and care about me and think I am special. I don't see how it would be possible to care about me for a long time. I never act the same or similiar or anything. I am just another pretty girl. Nothing special. A waste of skin. Medicine might make it better so easily. People don't ever ask me if I am okay. Maybe I need help, maybe I actually want it for once. I need someone and I reach out and ... no one is there. Ever. People don't ever really care. It is just to make me think they care. I've always wished for my mom to die in a car accident on the way home. I could pretend to cry really easily. I hate how she uses him against me. The only thing that makes me sometimes happy. But that doesn't matter anymore because that happiness is gone and I have to try to fix myself. I'm worth nothing. No one would really be affected if I died. It's okay people you do not have to pretend anymore. I know it is all a lie and I am okay with that. I am miserable and a bad person. .x. show me that you love me

[25 Sep 2003|01:16am] well amanda and chris and allison showed up at my house about 8 and we went out to barnes and noble for hours and got in to trouble there and then mcdonalds. it was fun. i had a good night. much better than being sad and miserable at home. and now allison is spending the night. eh. wierd stuff. x 3 comments|show me that you love me

[24 Sep 2003|03:56pm] my toes are cold and i hate you show me that you love me

eh... [24 Sep 2003|12:25pm] [ mood | crappy ] my mom and i got in a HUGE fight last night after i got home from work. she ended up breaking my cell phone in about 4 pieces. she is not going to give me rides to work anymore. she is not going to drive me anywhere and i have to buy my own food. so basically all i get is this room to use and alot of yelling. i want to be emancipated. badly. extremely bad. i want her to get in a car wreck and die. so she also cancelled the reservations to go see zach. she is trying to make me miserable and she knows that me not being able to talk(because im not allowed to use her phones, because i don't pay for them, and my cell phone is now broken and i dont have $ to buy or activate a new one and if i did i dont have money to pay the bill), write(bc i dont have rides to get stamps or envelopes, or $ either), or see(because i dont drive, and wont for a long time, because she is taking my money that my grandfather meant for me and won't let me drive her car anymore). i hate her so much. i am sick of her hitting me. i want out. no one cares. everything is over. x 2 comments|show me that you love me

[22 Sep 2003|03:31pm] no school tues or wed either. eh thats cool. ummmmmm last night was... just crazy. i gotta work tonight. i dont really mind too much. then mar is picking me up and im spendin the night there. :) i talked to my boyfriend yesterday. hes SO wonderful. x 17 comments|show me that you love me

[20 Sep 2003|08:29pm] i need to tinkle. power is back on. i got a yoohoo. i hate work. :(. i am gonna clean my room. then ashley bass<3 is coming over. and i work tomorrow morning. i hope zach can get a phone. and can talk to me. alot. i like the computer. i like electricity. im glad im not amish. im in love. and it hurts. goodnight. show me that you love me

good day [17 Sep 2003|06:55pm] [ mood | crazy ] I looked BEAUTIMUS + I made fun of uglies + Adam and I chilled + No school thurs n fri cuz of the hurricane=FOUR DAY FUCKIN' WEEKEND. Pizza from the hut is good. Goodbye.\ I LOVE YOU, FAG! 1 comment|show me that you love me

[17 Sep 2003|06:02am] i just got out of the shower. im tired and wet and want to drink hot chocolate with LOTS of marshmellows. i dont like fakers. i bought some cute stuff yesterday. like wow....cute stuff. work was tiring yesterday cuz i had done all that walking at the mall. i have to go to school today. but no work. but adam is coming over afterschool so i cant sleep. and im kinda worried that it will be awkward with him here. but he will be here to see foodle. not me. so it shouldnt be totally awful.. um i gotta go get all cute. i hope allison does what we talked about last night. whatever makes her happy...you cant change the person someone cares about. good luck, darling. i need to get ready. and i need to poop.. but thats not for this morning cuz it will take too long. ;) <3 show me that you love me

[15 Sep 2003|10:20pm] [ mood | indifferent ] eh i worked again today. with mar. she makes me happy. i wish i made her smile. i want her to be better. to feel okay and to care. im sorry i cant help with that... im so sleepy. i go to school till 12 tomorrow and im going to the new mall with allison and then im going to work at 4:15 and yeah. long day. i miss having a hand to hold. i thought about him alot today. i hope i dont like someone else... im worried i might start. im scared. i love him. im stupid. nite. xoxo show me that you love me

wow... im a loser i know [14 Sep 2003|07:36pm] "Blue roses will blossom in the snow, before I ever let you go. Blue roses will grow up in the sky, before I ever make you cry..." You are a rare individual. Conveying feelings of open-mindedness, you dont prejudge what you see like so many people do. Labels dont mean anything to you. Your willing to give anything a try, with or without a persons criticism. WHAT COLOR ROSE ARE YOU? [everyone] brought to you by Quizilla show me that you love me

survey cuz im bored. you ass [14 Sep 2003|03:22pm] ( Read more... ) show me that you love me

eat me [14 Sep 2003|11:29am] [ mood | sad ] Last night I went to the Meadowbrook game with Ashley because Travis you know plays football and being the whole supportive girlfriend... Yeah so we went back to Travis' house and I got sad. I hate seeing people kiss. And I hate the words "I love you", they make me want to throw up. I am so jealous of people getting to see eachother everyday. It makes me want that. I want to feel loved again. I want to hold hands and get kisses on the forehead. I like those alot. I need to feel his lips and get back massages and foot massages from him. I don't like being alone. Not mentally alone. But physically alone. I guess I am kinda fucked up in that way. I don't care about sex. I just want hugs and kisses. I have dreams about people having sex. Noah was in my dream and he had a BIG penis. It was crazy. I have bad dreams about hurricanes and serial killers. I don't sleep. I still think while I am sleeping. I need to try harder in school. I wish I wasn't so lazy. I am a smart girl. I hate creative writing and I hate people at school. I hate people that walk like hunch backs. I miss talking in his car and laying in bed with my head on his chest. I miss the way he smells after he shaves. I am afraid to hang out with people bc I feel guilty for hanging out with my guy friends and I don't want to start liking anyone so I try not to talk to people that much. I hate this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH. Today is a bad day and I am sad. 1 comment|show me that you love me

[12 Sep 2003|03:50pm] [ mood | sleepy ] i need to poop. i might take a laxative so i can get it out. itll be 2 weeks on tuesday morning. this is no good. today wasnt too fun. i want to do something tonight but no one really wants to hang out and do stuff. i might just sleep. i need to go to a salon and buy more shampoo... i just burped. it was tiny. roach came over today and he brought me pizza. i want to find him a gf. he is a nice guy and deserves a nice girl. i like cute little puppies.i want one SO bad. my ankle just popped. eep. i got really sad last night. it wasnt good. i miss my boyfriend. i am gonna try and poop... bye show me that you love me

[11 Sep 2003|11:02pm] [ mood | crappy ] i like my dog. i came home at 2 and went to sleep at 2:10 and woke up at 8:15... i am tired again. im sad and not having a good day. i hope tomorrow is better. im talking to allison on AIM. i want her to feel better but it will happen in time... you cant push people to get over the people they love. nite 2 comments|show me that you love me

[09 Sep 2003|09:55pm] [ mood | tired ] i work at peking now! i worked 4-8 today and i do it again tomorrow. my feeties hurt. ashley is a cool gal. hmmmm my tongue is burnt and i need to get hw done and get my outfit done bc i have no idea what im wearing tomorrow. i like allison and mary. they make me smile. nite all. 2 comments|show me that you love me

good weekend [07 Sep 2003|05:18pm] [ mood | happy ] i talked to zach for an hour on the phone today. it was GREAT. when we have such great conversations i am reassured that we can make it. and will make it. i went to olive garden for lunch and i got 70 more dollars from g-ma. so thats cool. i made my cd for mrs. york. its pretty good i think. and i did my math hw last night. ashley and i like lizzie mcguire/hilary duff. we are dorks. i had alot of fun with that girl last night. about a month and 10 or less days and i get to see zachary lewis. im excited, REALLY excited. i think im gonna go back to cary st and get the other pair of pants from lexs that were 57 cuz if ill do that ill still have about 300 left. i dont know. i need to buy a white shirt. its great to not work and have my parents give me money. im gonna go clean my room and get shit ready for this week. exes -n- ohhhs show me that you love me

so my day = [06 Sep 2003|08:08pm] [ mood | cheerful ] ok so ummmm today i went to cary st and spent over a hundred dollars on a shirt and a pair of black pants. but they look good so i dont care. i have plenty of money left. i was walking down the street and a car(containing andrew and sal and 2 other boys) are screaming out my name and saying hey and yellin and stuff it was great. i was so red bc all these people were staring and thats... just funny.so then i went home and went to cicis pizza for dinner and then to target and bought 2 pair of black shoes and new deoderant and a black purse. then i came home and ashley is coming over to spend the night in a few minutes. so its been a productive day. but i do miss my MARY MAILE so she needs to leave me a message sometime and tell me when shes unbusy cuz i havent seen that gal outta school in a while! tomorrow my grandmother is in town from NM so i am gonna chill with her and my daddy and my sister for the afternoon after ashley and travis are done chillin with me here. ill write later. im in a good mood. this happens rarely. Adam was right. the new fata is good. im glad we are on decent terms again. Allison and i are...? I don't know. I kinda wish we could just be friends. I don't like having tension with people. ERMMMMK! Exes ~n~ Ohhhs! 1 comment|show me that you love me

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